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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on September 14, 2005 at 11:41:40:
Date: Aug 2005
From: "L H" Subject:please help
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com well here’s the question. I’m 23 years old and got married when I was 21. My husband is 27 years old. over the last year or so we have not been getting along at all. I just don’t have the feeling for him anymore. I’ve tried talking to him and he’s not one of those guys that will talk to you. \
Since then I have met someone else. We have everything in common that me and my correct husband do not have. I have been trying to get out of my marriage as a mutual agreement with my husband but I don’t know how to go about it without hurting my husband. I don’t really have any urge to work on the relationship anymore. We have not seen eye to eye since I don’t know when. I do love him but am not in love with him anymore. I guess what I am asking is there any easy way to go about separating from someone? I guess I am just thinking about him more than what is going to make me happy.
The other guy that I have been seeing is everything that my husband is not. He tells me how much I mean to him and actually talks to me about his problems. I hate to say it but I really don’t know why I am still married. I don’t know if it’s for the security issue or what. I feel really bad what I am doing to my husband behind his back. I can honestly say that I love this other guy and am not in love with my husband. The affair and I really love each other. Its something so strong that I have that I have never felt about anyone.
I have worked on the relationship for the last 4 years. My husband is one of those guys that if you want to talk you might as well be talking to yourself because you get nothing out of them. And also he keeps telling me that he will change... ya well I have waited so long and played both sides of the relationship that I am just burned out and I can not do it anymore. He keeps asking me to give him just one more chance. But right now I can look at him and know that I am hurting him but not being in love with him anymore and it really hurts.
Please any advice you could give me would be so grateful. Thanks, L
Dear L:
Getting married when you are young (age 21) can create many problems. Most obvious is that we may be growing, developing, and changing so that any choices we make will not reflect the person we become a few years later. The Yin: The man you married appears to be the silent type. I doubt he was very different when you dated. So it appears there is a poor fit in this relationship (although I have few facts to go on). You are holding on to him even though the marriage is over. Explore this and ask yourself some serious questions. Also, go through the divorce steps mentally, including where you will live and work. See yourself in this other unmarried life. The Yang: Jumping from one marriage to another in 4 years is not a wise choice. Give yourself an opportunity to live alone, to really understand what the best life choices are for you. Having an affair is very different from daily married life: solving problems of finances, family, social life, etc. Talk is cheap. Doing and loving require energy and commitment. Your husband will move on emotionally and hurt less when you make a decision – one way or the other. Feel free to write again.
Best Regards,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com
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