Heartbreaking Born-Again

From: "J R"
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com
Subject:heart breaking
Date: March 2006

My fiancé (re-born Christian) and I (agnostic Christian) have been engaged for the past two years; we get along very well and love each other very much. All of a sudden about 3 weeks ago my fiancé decided to become a more loyal Christian. And I was completely fine with that and I fully respect him and I am proud of him. But then out of the blue one evening he gave me an ultimatum. I must convert 100% Christian or else or relationship will end. This now 8 months before our wedding. After we agreed on a date, HE went and spoke to his family priest, he said that it's okay for me to stay as I am, as long as I respect and never degrade my fiancé on his religion, which I would never ever do. But my fiancé still says that I must convert full heartedly in 8 months. And I am trying and really looking into it. But I feel that it is very unfair, and I’m feeling terribly pressured. I can't find someone who can tell me exactly, can we still marry as we are or can we really really not get married until I am fully Christian? I don't want to speak to a priest my self. I’m not very comfortable in that sort of situation with questions and so on. I just need to know now has the last four years we've together a complete waste of time. Thru everything we've been together, it seems my feelings and thoughts weren't considered at all. PLEASE HELP!! It’s breaking my heart. I don't want to lose the man that I love

Dear Heartbroken:

You said it all when you wrote me that “when your fiancé made a decision for himself you were fine with it and respected him and his wishes.” And that is exactly the opposite of what your fiancé is able to do with you as his loving partner and an independent person. He has given you an ultimatum to make a choice between your own integrity, beliefs, and comfort of feelings, or marriage to him. The priest he spoke with, being a tolerant wiser human, said you could each have respect for the other’s beliefs and still maintain a loving relationship. Absolutely so!! Your fiancé has chosen a path which can affect every part of your life together. Think of how you will be impacted by being told who you MUST be in many aspects of your life.

The Yin: It is strange that after 2 or more years of a relationship and a date to marry that you are confronted with such a severe ultimatum. Where is the respect, care of your feelings, concern for the way you both blend together – not as a clone – but as two intelligent human beings? Did he not express these before or where the signs there all along? Ask yourself, “Has he changed?” Ask him, “Why is there a significant difference in his behavior in these last weeks?” Is he afraid of getting married, setting up impediments to marriage?

In other words, where is all this coming from? 100% Christian is to love and respect another for who they are, not what we force upon them.

The Yang: I don’t believe we can study to be charitable, respectful, loving, a brother’s keeper, and tolerant of others’ beliefs and values. As an adult we are capable of these Christian values or we are not.

You are in much confusion and pain. Share this letter and communicate directly with your fiancé about your thoughts and concerns. My guess is that each of you will gain very important information, better shared now!

I would like you to feel free to write again. Let me know how you resolved this serious problem.

Best Regards,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com