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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on June 22, 2006 at 15:56:26:
Dear Doctor, My friend and I have been going together about 3 months now off and on. We have both lost our spouses. His wife passed away 7 years ago, mine passed away 7 months ago. He was married 39 years; mine going on 4 years but mine was more of a companion type relationship. My friend is 70 years myself 61 years so we are not young people. He still cannot get over the death of his wife and dwells all the time on her and makes remarks that he thinks she will come thru the door some day. Eerie! We have grown quite close intimately as well and but now he has said in the past we are just friends, special friends. I have a difficult time with that but something different happened the other day as we were riding he said that we could become closer in our friendship if we wanted to. I listened, said nothing but emailed later and said "yes" I would like that. I hadn't heard with the exception that he said it would be ok to call twice a week because he had things to be done. It was then that I asked him to define the closer relationship that he had mentioned to me the other day. He said he didn't recall saying that and that we are just "friends" and he still has thoughts of his dead wife 7 years ago and that he couldn't believe that I wanted that after my husband passed 7 months ago. My question is he mentally sick or what? My heart was broken in a million pieces but I would not let on and emailed how terribly sorry I was that perhaps it was a misunderstanding which I knew was not. Any suggestions? We get along great other that that incident. Dear A: As human beings we all have different ways of responding to loss, just as we have different ways of loving someone. Having said that there are some special aspects to your friend’s responses. I will give you more than one way to see the 2 problems that exist. The Yin: The first situation, as you describe it, is your friend’s need to hold on to his dead-wife’s memory in a clearly obsessive way. We cannot know if his mind has some impaired process or if he uses this as a defense against forming an intimate new relationship. He obviously wanted to move towards you, but then could not continue to act in a more intimate way with you. When he backed off, it was likely not because of you. He has a great need to protect his own private space. You know this because he even limited how often he wants to talk on the phone. Can you accept that the man you enjoy sharing experiences with is limited in his capacity to move closer at this time? You have been together a brief period (3 months). If you are patient with him, time will give you more answers about his ability to grow and develop an intimate, caring relationship with you. One last thought is he may have a fear of being sexually impotent. The Yang: “Just friends” is an excellent beginning to any relationship. It allows time to really know another. You are not past feelings of loss for your own husband. There are excellent books on the death of a spouse and responses to loss. One response is to feel pressure to replace that which we have lost. It is possible that you can enjoy doing many things together with this friend, sharing your life in a comfortable manner for both of you. It is a gift to find a person whom you can trust, respect, and enjoy. Patience and understanding are often rewarded. Remember the moth needs time to develop its wings and to become a butterfly. Pushing it may damage and destroy the final transformation. If you find, in time, the relationship lacks too much of the things you need you can move on while preserving this friendship. Feel free to write again.
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