Tangled Family Spaghetti

Subj: I need help with my brother!!!
Date: 10/7/2002 12:30:59 PM
From: MR
To: beverleesee4ever@aol.com

I have never done this before, but I’m to the point that I’m desperate and I don’t know what to do since my parents are doing nothing. My brother is 19 years old. Graduated from high school and has done nothing else except lie. Here’s the situation:

My parents have been divorced for 13 years. I went to college and now I’m married to a wonderful husband, and we just bought a house and are trying to build a family. Now there’s my brother; ever since he’s graduated from high school, he has done nothing but lie. He went to college for 1 semester, and failed and dropped out. Ever since then he’s been saying that he’s going to the army and that he’s waiting on the army to tell him when to leave, he lied, because he took the test to go to the army and failed. He’s been seeing this girl who is my age and actually graduated from high school with me, she’s 25 and has a child, that’s ok, but all he does is lie about his relationship with her, steels money from anybody who feel sorry for him, because he starts crying that he’s broke. He had a job, and they threw him out because he either was absent almost the whole week and or would leave his job to go be with this girl. Now it’s got to the point that he’s doing nothing. My father has sent him a plane ticket to go live with him and his wife, he said no, because he doesn’t want to be forced to do anything, so therefore, my mother felt sorry for him and told him to stay. Well guess what, he’s stayed and done nothing. He keeps asking for money from everybody, he broke down my mother’s car, he took out a loan at the beginning of college for all the expenses on my mother’s name, and of course he has not been making the monthly payments, because he has no money, my mother doesn’t say anything, except that nothing has changed…Please give me advice on what to do next…I’m in desperate need of guidance to give guidance to my family before it’s too late, and I can’t stand seeing my brother do all this, even though he wants nothing to do with me because he said it’s all my fault all that has happened to him. All I did was got my life together. And of course my parents helped me all the way, the same way they’re trying to help him, but he’s so rebellious for no reason, because nobody has treated him any differently. I don’t know what to do.

Dear Caught in the Family Crisis:

Difficult as it may be, your divorced parents are entitled to do or not do what they want in their relationship with your brother. On the other hand that does not require you to fill in for them or attempt to change and influence a different outcome. A question to ask yourself is, “Why you feel so ‘desperate’ about his life and the need to guide your parents decision?” Each of us has control and responsibility for our own life and sometimes we do not even have control of all these life events. As you describe your parents they are well along in creating their life movie and each seems uninterested in guidance from you.

Siblings in any family do not have the same environment because each is treated differently and the family circumstances are ever changing. Twins do not describe the same family environment growing up, nor do they relate to parents in an identical way. My guess is that your younger brother would see his experiences very differently than you do.

The Yin: You cannot take credit either positive or negative for your brother’s life. Only he can claim the events and choices. If you attempt continual involvement with your family, you will create tangled spaghetti and your own life will be the center of this tangle. That is destructive to the wonderful life and happy marriage you are building. Let go of all the details of your brother’s life, let go of being the savior to others whose last request will not be “help me”. Nothing changes unless the person who is disturbed recognizes that they need and want to make a difference in their own life. Not the case here so let it go.

The Yang: Unlikely to happen but you could ask for a family meeting of both parents, your brother, and you. At this meeting guided by a counselor or therapist each person would have an opportunity for honest communication. The counselor will guide the encounter and aid everyone in attaining a better family relationship. I will not hold my breath waiting to hear that all members agreed to do this. You may feel better because you will have made a last effort to get the family to change. If so, then go for it, but if they won’t accept the suggestion, once again, you need to separate yourself from this situation and give all your energy to your own life.

My best wishes to you,

Dr. Beverlee
Author of The Day the Music Stopped: Re-enchantment of Our Lost Spirit:

Subj: I need help with my brother!!!
Date: 10/7/2002 12:30:59 PM
From: MR
To: beverleesee4ever@aol.com

I have never done this before, but I’m to the point that I’m desperate and I don’t know what to do since my parents are doing nothing. My brother is 19 years old. Graduated from high school and has done nothing else except lie. Here’s the situation:

My parents have been divorced for 13 years. I went to college and now I’m married to a wonderful husband, and we just bought a house and are trying to build a family. Now there’s my brother; ever since he’s graduated from high school, he has done nothing but lie. He went to college for 1 semester, and failed and dropped out. Ever since then he’s been saying that he’s going to the army and that he’s waiting on the army to tell him when to leave, he lied, because he took the test to go to the army and failed. He’s been seeing this girl who is my age and actually graduated from high school with me, she’s 25 and has a child, that’s ok, but all he does is lie about his relationship with her, steels money from anybody who feel sorry for him, because he starts crying that he’s broke. He had a job, and they threw him out because he either was absent almost the whole week and or would leave his job to go be with this girl. Now it’s got to the point that he’s doing nothing. My father has sent him a plane ticket to go live with him and his wife, he said no, because he doesn’t want to be forced to do anything, so therefore, my mother felt sorry for him and told him to stay. Well guess what, he’s stayed and done nothing. He keeps asking for money from everybody, he broke down my mother’s car, he took out a loan at the beginning of college for all the expenses on my mother’s name, and of course he has not been making the monthly payments, because he has no money, my mother doesn’t say anything, except that nothing has changed…Please give me advice on what to do next…I’m in desperate need of guidance to give guidance to my family before it’s too late, and I can’t stand seeing my brother do all this, even though he wants nothing to do with me because he said it’s all my fault all that has happened to him. All I did was got my life together. And of course my parents helped me all the way, the same way they’re trying to help him, but he’s so rebellious for no reason, because nobody has treated him any differently. I don’t know what to do.

Dear Caught in the Family Crisis:

Difficult as it may be, your divorced parents are entitled to do or not do what they want in their relationship with your brother. On the other hand that does not require you to fill in for them or attempt to change and influence a different outcome. A question to ask yourself is, “Why you feel so ‘desperate’ about his life and the need to guide your parents decision?” Each of us has control and responsibility for our own life and sometimes we do not even have control of all these life events. As you describe your parents they are well along in creating their life movie and each seems uninterested in guidance from you.

Siblings in any family do not have the same environment because each is treated differently and the family circumstances are ever changing. Twins do not describe the same family environment growing up, nor do they relate to parents in an identical way. My guess is that your younger brother would see his experiences very differently than you do.

The Yin: You cannot take credit either positive or negative for your brother’s life. Only he can claim the events and choices. If you attempt continual involvement with your family, you will create tangled spaghetti and your own life will be the center of this tangle. That is destructive to the wonderful life and happy marriage you are building. Let go of all the details of your brother’s life, let go of being the savior to others whose last request will not be “help me”. Nothing changes unless the person who is disturbed recognizes that they need and want to make a difference in their own life. Not the case here so let it go.

The Yang: Unlikely to happen but you could ask for a family meeting of both parents, your brother, and you. At this meeting guided by a counselor or therapist each person would have an opportunity for honest communication. The counselor will guide the encounter and aid everyone in attaining a better family relationship. I will not hold my breath waiting to hear that all members agreed to do this. You may feel better because you will have made a last effort to get the family to change. If so, then go for it, but if they won’t accept the suggestion, once again, you need to separate yourself from this situation and give all your energy to your own life.

My best wishes to you,

Dr. Beverlee
Author of The Day the Music Stopped: Re-enchantment of Our Lost Spirit: