Early Parental Losses

Dear Dr. Beverlee,
I'm not really sure what I'm doing or if I'm even in the appropriate advice column, but I really could use some help. I suppose the biggest problem I'm having right now is my boyfriend. I have been with him for
over 2 years. Our relationship has been a roller coaster for the past year and a half and its gotten to the point where I feel completely drained and stressed. In the beginning our relationship was great as any other relationship usually goes, but we had some rough times that brought up trust issues and we've been fighting ever since. The fights we get into seem so small and immature. I have to let you know I am only 19 years old. I've heard the advice that you're only 19 and you need to experience what else is out there, but that isn't how I feel. I love my boyfriend and I want to be with him, but lately our fights have gotten out of control. My mother passed away 2 months ago and I've had a really difficult time dealing with it. Right after it happened, I mean the same week, I had to go back to college. My boyfriend was really supportive at first, but now he seems so insensitive. I could be depressed one day and then the next day he'll specifically tell me to not be depressed. I feel like he is controlling our relationship. When we get into an argument, I feel like he blows it out of proportion and then breaks up with me and then we talk and get back together in the same week and he looks at this cycle as him taking me back. He is always hurting my feelings, but I just can't seem to let him go. I love him so much and I want to be with him. I wish that we would both grow up a little more because I know that what we are doing is so childish. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am never happy. There is either one thing or the other that makes me depressed or upset. I just wish that my boyfriend and I could figure things out so then that would be one less thing to stress about. If you have any advice, I really could use some. Thank you.
-J

Dear J:

One of the most serious losses we face in our lifetime is the death of a parent. We will mourn not only for what we had but also equally for what was not available to us. I do not know from your letter what relationship you had with your mom. What I do know is you cannot transfer your feelings for her to another and you will need time to deal with all of them including fear, sadness, depression, anger, and love.

The Yin: Reach out to the people you know who can support you at this traumatic time. Somewhere in your present life there may be friends and family members who can understand what a difficult journey you are traveling at age nineteen faced with your mother’s death. Empathy is an essential quality that creates richer connected relationships. Empathy means we can sit in another’s chair, feel what they feel, and reach out a kind hand to help them along a difficult road. Sometimes we only listen to the sad voice of the other because we know we cannot fix it or change it. All we can be is compassionate and loving. The man in your life hasn’t a clue about commitment, love, and being emotionally supportive.

The Yang: Since your boyfriend is lacking an ability to be supportive at this time (and maybe he never will have this loving essence), what you want from him is totally unavailable. It’s best to recognize who he is during the best and worst of times. People change only with great, great motivation to do this. I doubt that will happen with your current friend. Reaching out to him again and again is natural because you don’t want to face a second loss by saying goodbye to him. But he is a loss anyway because he cannot empathize and emotionally support you. Beyond that he is manipulative and destructive to you. It is a serious red light when fights go out of control. Breaking up and making up create drama, good for television but not a real sustained love relationship. When you are strong enough, I hope soon, it will be time to face the reality of his lack of character and make a decision to let go of him. Being alone has some special advantages because we have time to know ourselves, time to discover what brings us joy, makes us happy. If we are cut off from self-discovery too soon, we will not make a great partnership with anyone. You are very young and have a rich life ahead of you if you are willing to travel a different path.

If you wish to write to me, I will privately answer your email.

With personal regard for your losses.

Dr. Beverlee
Author of The Day the Music Stopped: Re-enchantment of Our Lost Spirit: