Early Crisis In Second Marriage

Subj: Ask Dr. Beverlee
From: kc
To: askdrbeverlee@selfdiscoveryofspirit.com

Dr Beverlee,

Hello. I have been married for the 2nd time for just about 8 months. I have 2 daughters from my 1st marriage which I wrote to you some time ago. (our relationship is going well) I seem to be having a problem with the way my wife likes to intervene with what my children ask of me....She doesn't know when to stay out of it. She always says that my kids cause alot of our problems, I don't understand when she says that. I see my children (13 & 9 years of age) every Tuesday and every other weekend, unless there is something going on with them or work for me. I am at a point that I do not know how to handle this. Part of me say's get out and the other part say's stick it out. Allot of times my wife say's "I'm trying to deal with this" (being my kids), I am not sure what to say to this....what is there to deal with? My children tell me that she is moody and not very pleasant to be around, I see that when they are here and when their not. My wife works alot and is a loving person, but is very independent and stubborn. She comes from a dysfunctional family and does not have a loving relationship with her parents. She some time faults me for having kids in my first marriage, which I do not like. We argue about things I do for my kids and she says"You don't know how to say no to your kids". I disagree, I know I am a good Father and I do not spoil my kids, I feel that my Wife didn't get much when she was a kid and what I buy my kid's she doesn't agree. Please advise.
Thank you
Ken

Dear early crisis in second marriage:

After reading your letter carefully my first thought was, “what attracted you to your spouse and why did you marry her?” The personality traits you discuss most probably existed from the beginning of your relationship. And now I would ask you to think about some things: what attracted you to your wife and why you desire to be with her, what exists between you in the way of positive sharing of life events, and what if anything makes life more joyful on a daily basis. Having asked you to contemplate these things, there are still two important aspects to consider.

The Yin: The children. Your childrens’ visits are quite time limited and require quality to offset this. During these visitations you are the parent of authority and need to make the decisions concerning the girls well being. You must make the boundaries with your wife’s involvement and non-involvement clear and precise. If your wife does not accept this, you will need mediation through family therapy. That therapy will also deal with other problems you will present to the therapist. A final thought is that you represent a family of three - not a single male – and you must be fully comfortable in this marital context.

The thirteen year old is starting to separate from family and her desire for sharing experiences (other than with peers) is changing. Those changes need to be understood and honored.

The Yang: Your wife’s behavior leads to a picture of 3 competing children for one adult’s attention and not enough of that to go around.

Do some homework. Find out what creates her moodiness – overworked, inability to share a family life, depression, etc? Only when you understand the facts can you take appropriate action. Ask yourself what was different before the marriage? Have both of you changed, and if so, how? What small changes would make a positive difference? Talk about this with your spouse.

Each of you must decide if there is enough foundation and material to maintain a marriage. Feel free to write again and I will respond.

Best wishes for your future,
Dr. Beverlee

Author of The Day the Music Stopped: Re-enchantment of Our Lost Spirit: www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com or write to beverleesee4ever@aol.com