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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on October 28, 2003 at 16:03:32:
Date: Oct 2003
From: "R”
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com
Subject:A found love, to late
Dear Dr. Beverlee: I am seeking a little guidance. I am 25 years old and I have been in two relationships in my life. The first lasted 8 months. The second 14 months. The second relationship is the one I want to save. We only knew each other a month before we started our relationship, but it has always been amazing. I really enjoyed being with him, so much, in fact, that we were either with each other or talking to each other everyday. However, the last couple months of the relationship I started feeling trapped and felt like I had "lost" myself. I started over-reacting to almost everything he did or said. I think I was just lashing out over my unhappiness with myself. Our relationship, to me, felt strong and supportive. However, I started to get confused because I didn't feel the "love" for him that I felt with my first boyfriend. About a month ago he broke it off with me. At first I was shocked, then I was sad, and then I was relived. I felt like I had myself back. I was actually happy for the breakup. But after I started getting back into doing my own activities, I really started to miss him. I started to feel that love for him that I was so sure I didn't feel while we were in the relationship.When he broke up with me he told me that he didn't see our relationship going beyond where it was. Two weeks after the break up we got together for dinner. I asked him why he felt it wouldn't go any further and he said it was "little things." I asked for an example and he told me that, when he was home without anything to do and I called, I would always want to do something with him. He wouldn't get "alone" time to just do whatever he wanted to do by himself. I told him we could work through the "space" issue, but at that point he didn't want to.So we didn't talk to each other for a little over a week and then he called me. He asked me how I was, how my family was, etc. I answered his questions and asked the same questions of him. After we talked for a while we started to say goodbye and my cell phone disconnected. Within a minute, he called me back "to just say good night." Well then a day went by and I didn't hear from him. The day after that he instant messaged me by computer to ask me how I was doing. Now another few days have gone by and I haven't heard from him again. I am really confused. I don't know if he is testing the waters to be my friend, or wants to get back together and doesn't know how to talk to me or what is going on. I am trying to figure out why he calls and then goes a few days without a "hi", then contacts me again. Any insight into this frustrating situation would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your attention and advice. Sincerely, R
Dear R: The key to a happy, fulfilling relationship is to know who you are and to honor that person. Give some thought to what is important to you. What are your priorities, what are you likes, dislikes, goals, interests, etc? When you have this understanding you may bring into your life others who compliment and enrich your true self. These other people may be different from you, but you will feel comfortable with them and their differences when you respect the person you are. In healthy relationships both partners make some compromises and adapt to the needs of the other. When one walks away from a partnership after 14 months, and the other person seems relieved that it is over, more than likely there are serious problems with the growth, direction, and fit of these two people. It is, however, a wise recognition on your part to say that your own unhappiness created the over-reactions to life events. The Yin: Each of you is still circling the camp to see if any life exists. Both of you are weary, but more importantly you are not communicating. You can ask him directly the questions you asked me. What does he want? Friendship? Love relationship? Get the information you need and accept it as it is. The Yang: Excuses, excuses, space, whatever! Move on. You are young and have time to collect data about yourself and others while you are dating. When the relationship is a good one, the man may be a “keeper”, and you will not lose yourself, but you will gain your best self with him. Feel free to write again. Best Wishes,
Dr. Beverlee
Author, The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com or my email address: beverleesee4ever@aol.com
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