Subject: Re:
Date: Nov 2003
D wrote:My name is N. I have been married for just under 2 months and I have a problem. My wife can go out for a week to visit her mother and father. Then she can go out for a week to visit her grandmother. She can go anywhere she wants at anytime she wants. She can go out with her friends anytime she wants. But when I want to go somewhere for just a few hours with my friends, she gives me a guilt trip. She doesn't want me going anywhere with my friends. She is controlling. I don't know what to do about it. I am not allowed to go anywhere without her say-so. And when I do go with OR without her say-so, she gives me a guilt trip and we get into a fight. Some of my friends are some of her friends. But there are times I would like to have a guy’s night out. And I can't do that. But she can have a girl’s night out with her mom and family. What should I do about it? N.
Dear N:
Control issues plague many relationships and the disease is persistent. It is not clear whether your wife behaved pre-marriage in the same manner as now and what remedy you attempted to end the control battle. It would help me to have more information.
There are some overall simple points that may apply here. Your wife appears to be very insecure, clinging to you at all costs. At the root of most control issues is a personal need to order everything in their life so that one can feel safe because at the deepest level this person doesn’t trust the world. They believe only their decisions will have a satisfactory conclusion, so they make as many decisions as they are allowed.
What puzzles me in the story is the fact your wife goes out as frequently as she desires, she visits family for days, and so what prevents you from visiting your friends during her outings? Is it not possible to coordinate visits with your friends to times she is gone? I feel something is missing in the story. If you can give me more information about both of you, I will help solve the puzzle.
Two months into a new marriage, fighting over basic rights to enjoy life is a serious problem. And a final comment – no one gives you guilt. Only you can make yourself feel guilty. You could just as easily feel angry at your wife’s inappropriate demands.
Write again for the Yin and Yang suggestions.
Best regards,
Dr. Beverlee
Author of “The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit”
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com
Dr. Beverlee,
The times that she goes out to visit family, she schedules those times on days that she knows I am babysitting 2 children. I baby-sit those children Sun-Thurs nights. She leaves for family visits around mid-afternoon. The children arrive at 9 pm. I don't have a car so I have to use public transportation to get around. That cuts my time to do things with friends real short.
But when she does go out with family, it's not very often. Is it possible that I may be doing something wrong? I don't want to start getting the feeling that I am failing as a husband. That is my major fear. I want this marriage to last.
If there is anything else that you could help us with I would appreciate it.
Sincerely
N
Dear N and Life Partner:
If you have not taken the opportunity to sit down and talk about issues that may exist for each of you, then please do this using some simple rules. One talks, one listens. Each of you repeats what you heard your partner communicate. If one hears incorrectly, then he/she provides more information to make sure that the other person understands the problem. Many times couples need a counselor/guide to help them gain information and then make the necessary changes.
N you need to ask your wife “what is the concern about your nights out with friends.” Is she insecure about your behavior? If so, why? After the shared talking, attempt to sit in her shoes and she needs to sit in yours and experience how you feel.
The Yin: Although I have been given very little information I suspect your wife is clueless about the problems because you are too fearful to express yourself. More damage is done by mates sitting on their feelings and thoughts until a major explosion occurs. Express yourself now!
The Yang: Your marriage stands a chance of survival if you both are in better balance making decisions, some yours, some hers. Right now the power is in your wife’s hands. You have given your power away because you fear your decisions may be wrong, or you feel she will end the marriage. Gain confidence and self worth by being true to yourself, your feelings, and your needs. Let her see the person you are in words and acts. Your wife will respect you for being more honest and for a willingness to risk sharing yourself at a deeper level.
Best Wishes,
Dr. Beverlee
Author, The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com or my email address: beverleesee4ever@aol.com
