Desperate

From: "S C."
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com
Subject:Am I doing the wrong thing?
Date: Dec 2003

I have been living with a guy for the past 2 years. He is very loving and affectionate. However once in a while he gets angry over something or the other and hits me. Initially he used to hit the wall and break his hand...but the last two times he got angry, he hit me. I did not bleed or anything...but he hit me pretty hard and I was humiliated. But later he was as loving as ever. He even asked me to leave him because he was a bad person. He is awfully nice and loves me like crazy all the other time. Am confused...What should I do? -Desperate

Dear Desperate:

There is no amount of violence, I repeat NO AMOUNT OF VIOLENCE, acceptable in a personal relationship. You describe a dangerous, escalating experience in which you have become the recipient of your boyfriend’s frustration and anger. Do not allow any further encounters and that includes hitting walls or anyone else.

The Yin: It is important to set boundaries with any partnership. This means telling a person what you will accept and what you will not accept when you are sharing time together. As we become adults we gain an understanding of what is appropriate behavior in a relationship. When we have confidence and a sense of self-worth we do not allow others to cross a line and that line sets a boundary between respectful behavior and damaging acts. If we do not experience respect from others, then we remove ourselves from the situation. This boundary includes family members as well as friends and mates. Take steps to set appropriate boundaries. Find support to do this.

The Yang: Your live-in mate needs immediate help to manage his anger. Individual counseling and male support groups for anger management exist in all communities. Any relationship with him needs to be conditional on his getting help now! I encourage you to share my letter with him so that you both can create a healthy happy life together if that is what you want.

Write again and let me know what happens.

Best of Luck,
Dr. Beverlee
Author, The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com or my email address: beverleesee4ever@aol.com