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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on January 07, 2004 at 09:26:02:
Hi. I have been engaged now for a year and a half. We plan on getting married in February of 2004. I am not sure if that is what I truly want anymore. There have been some things going on in my life that I wonder and doubt everyone and everything. Everything was great between us until his x wife and my x husband started messing with us. Not to mention how people gossip. He heard that I called my x one day. Yep, I did, He owes me 15 thousand dollars. That was the only reason. Guess who he heard this from. (His X). Anyway, one weekend on my birthday we went to Florida. Came home to my destroyed truck that was in the yard my x had messed up. He wouldn't even let me press charges. Said there was no need in causing trouble. Well, his x got to calling here to talk to their son. He has custody. That tells you something. She started cussing me and every time I answer the phone she raises ****. Anyway his son told me after a call to his mother that his mother said she eat lunch with his dad that day. Pissed, yep I was. My fiancée lied about it. Denied it ever happen. My x came over showing his but one night and I pulled a gun on him and told him he was trespassing and not to step foot on my property again. He would go to jail cause I have a protective order. He hasn't bothered me since. His x called in his birthday on the radio the other day for all our friends to hear. I said something to him about it and he said I was making a big deal outta nothing. He says he don't care about what she does. Also that I worry too much what people say and think. I have had a problem trusting men since my x stabbed me one night when I walked in my home after being divorced 3 years. I feel sometimes no matter what he says to me I wouldn't believe him if I knew the truth. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to deal with these issues. I see the whole picture but sometimes an outsider can see things I can't. How can you tell if things are true or not. I have been told to go with my gut. Well that always gets me in trouble. Dear D: Forget the “gut response”. Use your thinking brain, not your emotional brain. Straighten out your life NOW before you enter another already messy relationship and marriage. There is anger all around you – ex-husband, fiancé’s ex-wife, etc. Here are some issues for you to look at long and hard. It is not important what the ex-spouses say or do. How your fiancé responds to you and you to him is what is very important. Telling lies, being insensitive to your needs, not communicating are problems that don’t go away when you marry, and in fact may become more intense. The Yin: Denise, you have had some serious and violent, explosive experiences. Take some time with a counselor to understand the choices you make. Not being able to trust anything is most painful and leads to behavior that promotes more pain for you and others. Do not take on the complicated relationship of a father, his son, and a still present ex-wife (without her own child custody), until you have more understanding of your own life and a good sense of self-worth. Those are hard to come by when you are waving guns around to protect yourself. The Yang: Your fiancé is struggling with his own demons and needs counseling. Two people limping into a marriage don’t do well with all the resources needed to blend a new family. In fact, limping partners can’t walk or run a marriage marathon and worst case will collapse in another divorce. Your fiancé’s son deserves a better life and family. Both of you can get help, so go do that! Best Wishes,
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