|
Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on March 02, 2004 at 16:33:06:
From: "t
My sisters and I have a problem with our Mother. Although generally a kind and caring person who we all love very much, she has this horrible tendency to interfere in one sisters life. If crossed, she brings up past miss deeds and belittles you something awful. My sister just now is having problems with her teen age son and it has taken a physical turn. (My nephew has taken to hitting my sister he is 15yrs old). For some mad reason mum has chosen to take his side, which we find bewildering since she is from an abused former marriage. She totally turned against my sister, embarrassed her in front of a police officer by threatening to bring up my fathers "criminal past", to degrading my sister as a mother and person. When I went to my sisters defense she turned on me and brought up every little thing she could possibly remember about my past misdeeds, not that any of these are much, except to my mother. How on earth do we handle this, we have tried to talk to her and reason with her, but she denies she has done anything wrong, if anything she gets all upset and cries and says she must be a bad mother. I am sorry!, but I am just so tired of this to the point I really don’t wont to talk with her at all just now. What advise can you give. The above does sound trivial when I read it, but really it’s a lot worse than it may seem here. Confuzzled Daughter
Let’s separate a few issues and hopefully there will be less confusion and more boundaries. Your family looks like overcooked pasta, stuck together in clumps. To each his own works best. Communication is important and healthy when each member deals with another in terms of their own relationship. Second hand conversations and gossip can be destructive. So let me draw some helpful boundaries for you. The Yin: In terms of your sister with the troubled teenager: Since it is an increasingly violent situation, she will need to seek family counseling NOW before tragedy is an outcome. Support her emotionally to do this. Trained family counselors can be found by calling a hospital or family doctor for referrals. Some cities have available lists of professional people. Only your sister can define who will be present at various therapy sessions. If she wants to invite her mother to participate that is her decision. She, alone, must deal with her boundaries and her mother’s inappropriate behavior, which is called serious meddling. Your relationship with your mother also needs some boundaries; boundaries are the rules that apply to what we say and do to another. They are the distance we require for a healthy personal life. Each of you can look at what you consider acceptable and what is not. Also you will consider the consequences of inappropriate behavior. You may decide to visit less until changes can be made. Since you love her, and she is a kind person mostly with one deep deficit, you will most likely maintain some contact, but under certain conditions. You will need to calmly communicate what you want, what is necessary for your well-being and hers. If you need a guide to gain change and understanding, then seek this help. The Yang: Your mother may feel her children have ganged up on her. Her saying, “She’s done nothing wrong” and also, “She’s a bad mother” do not add up. These two conflict! Guilt is a factor for her and she believes she has done something wrong! Each sister must establish her own relationship and speak only for herself to the mother. In this way the family will have a properly cooked pasta dinner Feel free to write again, |