Rape Related Anger

From: "D"
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com
Subject: What's up with us ??
Date: Feb 2004
Dear Beverlee,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months and 3 days. When we first got together our relationship didn't get off to the best of a start. Because I cheated one him about the second week we were together and they it happened about two weeks after that. I told him and I promised it wouldn't happen again. It did though. For about 3 weeks it went on. My ex and I still have feelings for each other. But my boyfriend doesn't know it happened. I'm usually not the type for girl who cheats on her boyfriends but this time I did.
I stopped doing that after a while. And yesterday my ex came over and I went outside to talk to him but my boyfriend got mad because he doesn't want me to talk to him. Today we went sledding and we kissed again. I didn't tell my boyfriend neither but today I did it because he went over to a girls house to watch a movie with her. He has a huge crush on her. And me and my boyfriend have been fighting a lot lately. About the smallest things. If I go somewhere or if I'm with someone he has to know who it is and where I was. But if he does something I don't get to know about it.
Plus I was raped 7 months ago and everyone is telling me I don't need a boyfriend right now and that I shouldn't be with him anyways. Until I get over what happened. Please help me understand what I' supposed to do or what I need to do.

-Thanks
D

Dear D:

The most important thing you wrote is that you were raped. If you have not had some counseling, I strongly recommend you seek help now! There are many emotional repercussions, some of which may not be easily felt or understood until much later. When you remain in 2 relationships, neither one satisfactory, after the rape trauma, it tells you personal relationships are not working and other problems may exist as well. Cheating is only a symptom like the sneeze, not the cold.

It is not unusual for shame to exist after a rape. If that is so, then you will be reluctant to talk about your experience and you will attempt to bury feelings. Is that why you mentioned rape at the end of your letter? Don’t allow this to get buried.

The Yin: You won’t “get over” the rape by pretending it isn’t important. What can happen is that you will learn a great deal about yourself by seeking counseling help. You will give the rape a place in your life that will allow you to move beyond that damaging event. Since we know individuals react differently, we cannot say how your life will change. One of the stories in my book is about a young woman who gained self worth after the rape trauma. She sought counseling and became productive and developed an understanding of herself and her family. You have an opportunity to create your best self. Crisis in our life benefits us because it pushes us to make important changers we would otherwise overlook. Pain is the fuel for walking a different road.

The Yang: Ask your self, “Does the cheating behavior have anything to do with anger”? Just a guess on my part, but I think you are still attracted to your ex and use this old relationship to express anger you are currently feeling in your new relationship. Until you work through the old issues, no new relationship will be healthy. All of you are playing games with each other that does not allow a happy committed one to develop. Perhaps if you take a timeout from your dating life, you can discover more about you as well as ways to form health relationships.

Feel free to write again,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com