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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on March 08, 2004 at 12:06:41:
From: "B V B" My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years now (minus a 5 month break up). About two years ago, I cheated on him with two different people. He found out about one but I didn't tell him about the other until a few days ago. When we got back together after our 5 month break I told him that there had only been one person I had slept with while we were apart when in fact there were two. I told him about this one as well. He is angry with me for lying to him, which I thoroughly understand. I am not trying to justify my infidelity or lying, but I want to know how to make him feel that he can trust me again. I have matured a great deal since I cheated on him and am not afraid that I will cheat on him, but I am afraid of lying. It comes out even when I want to tell the truth. Once I have told the lie I feel I must defend it as though it were truth and I do, until I can no longer bear the guilt. He has suggested both couples counseling and that I receive individual counseling. Do you think that this could help us? Thank You, Tongue-tied
Yes, yes, yes, by all means find a counselor you are comfortable with. A good source for therapists can be names given to you by a family doctor or specialist you know and trust. Also, most communities have a directory of reputable counselors or therapists. Consult a hospital near you for this directory if you do not have a trusted family doctor. The Yin: Not speaking the truth and then using a cover up is a symptom of some more important psychological problem. Since you have a desire and willingness to look at your problems ,you have won a big part of the personal battle when you pursue therapy with an appropriate counselor. I believe you will get the help to act and think differently. You wish to make a difference in your life and most often we need a professional guide to help accomplish this. So by all means follow ths path to understanding yourself and behaving honestly. The Yang: Your boyfriend appears most supportive and caring. He will trust you, but time is necessary for him to experience the difference in your behavior. Both of you can benefit from couples counseling, and I would suggest it begin after you have made some individual progress. Some therapists are capable of seeing an individual and then counseling a family or a couple. However, there are therapists who will see you both together and then have individual sessions with you. Whoever you contact as a therapist will tell you what they believe is the best way to start. Most important is the competence of the counselor and your comfort with this person. You will know within one session if this person is going to be helpful. If you are not satisfied, then leave and find another one. Something happens immediately in a therapy session which tells you this is going to work for me or this will not work. How much time you are on the journey with your guide is always an open question, but a sense of progress needs to be part of what you experience as well as a sense of hope. My Best wishes, |