Buried In Tragic Events

From: "J B"
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com
Subject: sick in st
Date: Jun 2004

Dear Beverlee
...so many things going on I don't know where to start...our family has a very long sad story to tell...
Apr 2000 ...my husband's sister was diagnosed with melanoma in the lymph nodes
April 2001....our 19 year old daughter is diagnosed with clinical depression
June 2001...after 14 months of less than decent care because of no health insurance sister in law dies at 43 years old ( a very horrible painful slow death....no one can imagine unless they have been through it)
June 2001...my husband's aunt is diagnosed with ovarian cancer
Oct 2001....our 24 year old daughter loses job at American Airlines due to 9/11 attacks
June 2002....husbands' aunt dies
January 2003...my husband’s father is diagnosed with esophagus cancer
August 2003...he finally passes away after 6 months of no swallowing whatsoever
September 2003 (3 wks after father in law dies) mother in law dies of congestive heart failure after 3 years of Alzheimer's
September 2003...my husband has a mild stroke, and is also told by Doctor that his back needs a fourth surgery ...My husband files for VA and SSI assistance of which he is denied both....He closes his remodeling business & takes a part time job at a music store and we file Chapter 7 bankruptcy (he served during the Iran conflict during 1980 US army and his last parachute jump didn't open....the beginning of numerous back & knee problems)
February 2004...husband has knee surgery (still no back surgery)
...Today, our oldest & middle daughter are doing well & both employed but our 14 year old daughter is depressed because she senses all the tension between my husband and me.....I have worked the same job for 14 yrs (buyer for electronics company) and have had no pay increase for 4 years...each year the health insurance costs rise and I must keep the whole family covered..I manage to stay on a good diet and I walk daily .....I come home and my husband is so depressed and gripy all the time (with good reason) but he has gained so much weight and his hygiene has become poor...I cannot stand to be with him physically but I still love him...I don't expect him to look like a 25 year old anymore (he is 44 & I'm 48) but I would like for this teeth and hair to be tidy...I would like for him to dress in at least nice jeans and Tshirts better than overalls and old stained shirts and old sandals.....and the extra weight doesn't bother me except I know it is not good for his heart.
he doesn't smoke, or drink very much.....he is a spiritual man and very loving to the kids and our animals....if he would just take pride in his appearance and self again it would be so helpful to our sex life......we need it back so bad with everything else going on in our lives....but right now I have no desire..........I work with men all day in my office and even though I am not attracted to anyone in particular I just sense an overall difference is being around clean tidy men and it's depressing to go home to a slob. I have had a terrible time trying to tell him how I feel but I must do something.......I am miserable and I can't stand to be around him anymore........
On top of all that he has managed to collect so much junk & garbage in our yard in less than 4 years....we live in a rural area so there are no laws against it...I am so ready to scream I can't see straight...I don't know where to turn !
Any advice at all would be appreciated.
thanks Ms J. B

Dear Buried In Tragic Events:

For the past 4 years you and your family have lived with unrelenting problems which challenge every ability to maintain health and sanity. Your husband’s losses are gigantic. He not only lost parents but most important are his own loss of health, self-esteem, and confidence. A stroke may be followed by clinical depression and to his not being able to keep his business, not maintaining normal physical activity, and his inability to enjoy an intimate life with you. It is easy to conclude that he is depressed (just as you have said) and therefore uninterested in his appearance, or weight, or any of a number of ordinary concerns. That he is functioning at all is a tribute to some strength that he has found within himself. His yard is trashed but not his life!

The Yin: Begin by acknowledging that it will take time to restore any true joy or spirit within the family. Your husband needs to solve his medical problems including treatment for depression. If he can deal with his multiple griefs and diminished capacity to live as he once did, then his concerns about weight, appearance, etc will also undergo changes. Right now these are minor problems to him. Therapy or counseling is very important for him. Healing grief takes time and your support can be of great value, so the sooner you are able to share loving, caring thoughts with each other, the sooner your lives will change in a positive direction. One small step at a time!

The Yang: Life is not fair! What is there for you at the end of a hard day? At present there isn’t a warm, sexual relationship, finances are a struggle, and a child is hurting. However, you are doing some good healthy things for you. Now let’s add something else. Each day choose some small thing that you enjoy, perhaps a movie with a girlfriend, a pampering bubble bath - candles and all, purchasing a special food you like, a plant or bouquet of flowers, etc. I think you have the idea. Include your 14-year-ol daughter in some of your joyous choices. It may seem superficial in the face of all you experience, but over time it will make a difference in how you feel. Also, I suggest you get a book by Lonnie Barbach called “For Yourself” - try Amazon.com. She has some excellent suggestions for relieving sexual tension and enjoying sexual experiences. (Its tempting, perhaps, to think of having an affair with a well dressed guy in a workplace, but those relationships complicate lives and take energy hardly available in a busy schedule.) In any case this does not appear to be your desire. Make your current life as joy filled as you can and one day you will know you have made a significant difference in your life and those you love.

I would like to send you a free copy of my book. If that is OK, please send me your address. Also feel free to share my e-mail with your family.

Write again if you wish.
Best Regards,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit, available on Amazon.com
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com