Divorced and Confused With 4 Children

Date: Jul 2004
From: "l j "
Subject: advice

dear Dr. beverlee,

I need some advice on my relationship. I have been married for over 10 years and now divorced from my husband. My parents want me back with him and I am so out of love with this man and he treats me so bad and he has cheated on me before. my parents did not like him because of how he treated the kids and now they are pushing me to someone I am so unhappy with. I have four kids and they are tired of seeing us argue. my parents told me to do it for the kids if not for them but I either have them suffer through the separation or get back together with my ex-husband having them see us so unhappy and hear us fighting all the time. I have tried to love him but I cannot be with someone I do not love anymore. please help me on what I should do? worried in WA

Dear Divorced and Confused:

There is a point in time when we leave our parents home and become an independent person, one who makes her own choices and takes care of her own needs. Create an appropriate boundary between what is your life and what is anyone else’s life, that is necessary when a family life changes with a divorce. I suspect you have not looked at what is important for you and the well-being of your 4 children.

If you have complicated the situation by being financially dependent on your parents, find a way to take care of yourself. Your parents may be giving you this advise to link up with a male provider because they are tired of helping 5 of you. Please take that as one theoretical possibility.

The Yin: Our first priority is to know what is best for oneself and then to act on it. Think about what you need to do to enjoy a full life. Is your life stable? Are your children receiving love and good care? Who is responsible for their needs? Do you allow their father time to participate in their life? Check out how life is different divorced and ask yourself if it is working better now that you are a single mom? If not, explore alternatives.

The Yang: Big mistake to rush into a new marriage or connected relationship that may also end in a breakup - hard on you and the children. So get your life in order, finish the grieving for a lost dream (your first marriage) and then see about a future partnership with a non-abusive male. Have a heart to heart talk with your parents and tell them what you plan to do as a single mom. Explain the importance to you to make your own decisions and ask them to respect your choices. If they cannot do this, then limit your time together.

Feel free to write again.
Best Regards,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com