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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on December 20, 2004 at 17:52:52:
From: "D S Dr. Beverlee, It sure seems that you are always on target every time, so here goes one that will ultimately be a challenge for you. My husband who is now overseas and has been since sometime last spring is a good person. We dated several years and just got married prior to him leaving. He has other siblings and most are understanding and supportive of our relationship, but there's one who has been mysteriously causing problems. During the first year we dated it all began when we would visit with my husband's brother. Well his brother is never home because he works all the time. Whether I accompanied my husband or not he would spend the night at his brother's house even though his brother was not at home but his brother's wife was at home. She began telling me that well when she and her husband she has been married to for 20 yrs. were living with her parents for a short while that my husband would come home from the service to visit and her parents felt and told her that she had married the wrong brother because my husband was the best one in the family and that's the one she should have married. She now believes this and is a power struggle with me to make sure she wins my husband. I have heard this repeatedly over the last 5 yrs. and now I'm sick of it. The brother's wife would always say well so and so my husband would call and tell her everything. bla bla bla! Ever since my husband was activated in the spring time, his brother's wife has been pouring it on me. She always says that SHE has always been at the airport when my husband has flown over seas. So with the current security threat my husband's group was not notified when, where, what time etc. they would fly out and definitely no civilians. Well, his brother's wife said to me, "WELL THEY COULD AT LEAST LET HIS BROTHER BE THERE WHEN HE FLEW OUT." The brother works all the time so what she meant was her. I said immediately, "Well they could at least let his WIFE be there." She shut up then. By now the sister in law and I have been very distanced because I suspect her mental state etc. not to mention the abnormal interest in my husband. Well she would say your husband so and so and I are so close that even if I had a brother I would still be closer to your husband that any brother I could have--what's next---a husband. So now continued nasty filthy comments have continued to be made such as when I got new furniture in the kitchen she dropped by and I told them that my husband didn't care what I got as long as it had arms on it. She promptly said that 'OH I KNOW SO AND SO AND KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HE WILL SAY----HE WILL SAY THAT THE CHAIR ARMS AREN'T HIGH ENOUGH." What's that about because I know that she is without a shadow of a doubt totally in love with my husband. I have had it and do not intend to take any more. I told my husband all about all of the comments that have been made and he passes it off like oh you just think that. Well ever since that my husband has been gone, it seems her true colors have finally come to surface. She sent him a phone card so that he would call her. I explained to him it would be inappropriate for him to call her because of her behavior and that he should call his brother on his cell phone. So she keeps sending packages and spends money on items just to be the favorite with him. She told me that he had call her a few weeks ago and didn't talk very long but that in her next package she planned to send an even longer calling card so that he could call her and talk longer. So I told him if he called her it was clearly encouragement that's how she viewed it. She has been abnormally shitty with me over my husband. I guess she thinks she owns him or something. So after I told him what I thought and to call his brother, my husband calls her after he got her package she sent him in and does not tell me to keep it hidden. I can't talk to my husband because the thought of this makes me totally sick. It's sickening. I can't write or e-mail because I just don't wish to speak to him after all the hell I've had to endure since he's been gone. My husband looks good and I guess she wants him. What should I do? I would stake my life on this as God is my witness. The brother's wife carries a gun and tries to bully others instead of having countenance==goodness. My husband's brother encourages my husband to call her. Is the brother stupid or just naive.
It is the wolf knocking at your door, not the sheep! Your husband has not set limits and a boundary with his sister-in-law. From your description much inappropriate behavior has continued for a few years. The problem is the wolf. You are at a point of no return and have opted out, leaving the 2 other players to their own chaos. There may be some important final steps for you to explore before slamming the door on your marriage. The Yin: No where in this tale of woe is a statement of your husband’s intentions. Does he want this marriage? What is he willing to do to gain a more peaceful happy relationship with you? Your lack of communication with him leaves a big vacuum where other people can step in, the sheep for sure. If you want this relationship it will be important for you to speak with your husband. Request that he set limits immediately letting the sister-in-law know he is not interested. You can keep him very busy with calls, packages, cards, loving stuff, fantasy and reality building between the two of you. Use your energy and imagination to revitalize a dying marriage. Your anger with the sheep has used up too much valuable time and attention. Make her “invisible” as you concentrate on a man you say you love. You can only focus your life on the things that count and that you control. The other people are out of your control so let them fight their own battles…… or not. The Yang: Separations are very difficult when they are long term, especially during times like this with your husband in the service. Ask yourself if there are serious things missing in your marital relationship when you are together? Is there some reason your husband seeks attention from another woman? You may discover some ways to create a more loving time centered on the two of you. If you can’t make this work under all the pressures of being apart, then move on to a different life. Every choice we make brings us to new possibilities and challenges as well. Feel free to write again.
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