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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on December 20, 2004 at 17:54:54:
From: "C G I am considering leaving my husband but the only thing stopping me is our 3 ½ year old son. I feel children should have both parents. My parents divorced when I was 7 years old. I feel we have no respect or love for each other. We constantly fight mostly about money or lack there of. I hate my husband’s job and the hours he works he is unwilling and unmotivated to make any changes. He works night shift and leaves our house at 7:30 p.m. every night. Our son doesn’t come home from daycare until 5:00 p.m. My husband doesn’t pay much attention to him anyway. We can never do anything as a family because of the cost. We used to go to the park when it was warmer because obviously it was free. I am at my wits end and I am miserable. We barely speak to each other. Before we had our son I can’t say things were much better but now it is worse because our son is witnessing this misery and I don’t want him to grow up thinking this is what marriage is supposed to be. I need to decide if I should just leave.
Think about anger, bitterness, deep stress, disrespect, fear, a non-loving environment – all shared on a daily basis by two adults and a child. This is surely not the marriage you wished to create or maintain. Nevertheless, here you are, feeling all the pain and maybe even remembering your own parents’ failed marriage. I cannot tell you what decision to make. What I can do is ask you to consider some important ideas. The Yin: I am assuming you both work different shifts because your child is in day care. Since you can control your own life, there are ways to build some bonding and joy with your son. Make a decision to accept your husband’s choice of work. Stop the fights and angry exchanges which change nothing. Reach inside for a kinder self and share this person with those around you. You will see change occur in unexpected ways. I had a list of 100 things to do for free in Phoenix. Compile a list in your city. It will amaze you how much fun can be had with no dollars or few dollars. Check the community events and resources. Some cities have weekend family bike rides – if yours doesn’t, start one. Or if you do not have bikes then short hikes or other outdoor activities might be available. Free transportation (bus/train/trolley) can get you to places that are free, new, and enjoyable. By doing this you will meet people who add friendship and fun. Once you reach out to new things and people you will not need your husband to provide as much attention. However, he will possibly want to join in because it is a new and positive experience. Cold and snow represent different kinds of fun. Don’t be afraid of making changes. All life is made up of transitions. The Yang: If divorce is the only choice you can make then prepare for a more difficult financial time. Work out all the details of living, that is, how to do this, when, where to go. Two households require more money. Make sure you examine carefully what responsibilities each of you will have. Angry divorces create a whole new set of problems and expenses. Nobody walks off into the sunset feeling wonderful. Be realistic and aware of what will be the solutions to problems. You may be the one who is responsible to solve all the life problems after divorce. Sometimes women choose divorce and do see rewards in being a single mom. Feel free to write again.
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